Goodbye

In a world where the glorification of alcohol and substance use is commonplace, the decision to embrace sobriety is a courageous and life-changing choice. In a world where the allure of alcohol and the promise of momentary escape can be overwhelming, choosing sobriety is, without a doubt, one of the most profound decisions I’ve ever made. It’s a decision that’s reshaped my life, offering clarity, healing, and a sense of purpose that I never thought possible. Sobriety isn’t just about abstaining from alcohol and drugs; it’s a transformative journey that leads to better physical and mental health, improved relationships, and a more fulfilling life. I’m not sure I believe that just yet, however, it is what it it is.

Sobriety refers to a lifestyle free from the harmful effects of alcohol and substance abuse. It is a conscious choice to live a healthier and more balanced life.

The Benefits of Sobriety:

• Improved Physical Health: Sobriety brings about positive changes in physical health, reducing the risks of chronic diseases and improving overall well-being.
• Mental Clarity: Sobriety leads to increased mental clarity and emotional stability. It allows individuals to confront and address underlying issues rather than numbing them with substances.
• Enhanced Relationships: Sobriety often mends broken relationships and allows for more meaningful connections with loved ones.
• Financial Freedom: Money previously spent on alcohol or drugs can now be directed towards personal growth, hobbies, and savings.
• Personal Growth: Sobriety provides an opportunity for personal development, self-discovery, and the pursuit of passions and goals.
• The journey to sobriety is not without its challenges. It can be a struggle to resist triggers and cravings, and relapses can occur. However, relapse should be seen as an opportunity for growth and not a failure. Continuous effort and resilience are key to long-term success.

I’m not going to sit here and say that sobriety was the best thing that ever happened to me, because it wasn’t. I was forced to deal with every bad decision I made when drunk and that was terrifying. Every person I’d hurt was suddenly real.

In a world where the allure of alcohol and the promise of momentary escape can be overwhelming, choosing sobriety is, without a doubt, one of the most profound decisions I’ve ever made. It’s a decision that’s reshaped my life, offering clarity, healing, and a sense of purpose that I never thought possible.

My journey to sobriety began at a point in my life when I felt trapped, like I was a passenger on a runaway train headed for disaster. Alcohol and drugs had become my crutch, my means of temporarily silencing the chaos within. But I realized that the more I leaned on them, the more I lost.

My path to sobriety hasn’t been without its challenges. The pull of old habits, the cravings, and the emotional rollercoaster are intense. I keep stumbling along the way, but I’ve come to realize that relapse doesn’t equate to failure. It’s an opportunity to learn and grow.

Sobriety is a deeply personal journey. It’s about reclaiming control over your life, breaking free from the chains of addiction, and stepping into a world of infinite possibilities. The journey to sobriety is not without its challenges. It can be a struggle to resist triggers and cravings, and relapses can occur. However, relapse should be seen as an opportunity for growth and not a failure. Continuous effort and resilience are key to long-term success.

I’m a hypocrite, because I spend my evenings figuring out the best way to just get blasted and not even think about the consequence’s but there’s a part of me that knows it’s not right.

---

c

Not Sober

Addiction takes a lot. The true repercussions aren’t seen until you get sober. You will never get to just ‘be sick’ without someone assuming it’s a hangover. You can never be tired because it’s presumed you went on a bender and I know sometimes it’s a correct assumption but giving people in this position expectations of fucking up allows us to lean into it. Lord help you if you don’t answer the phone at 8AM because you’re just mentally exhausted from everything and just need a break.

I am no longer allowed to not answer the phone because if I do it must mean I’m out of it. Everything is an accusation, once people know you have a problem it’s the scapegoat for everything. I missed an appointment? (I was drunk) Didn’t make dinner that night? (I was drunk) The Wi-Fi doesn’t work? (I was drunk)

No. My drunkenness has been a scapegoat for far too long and being sober doesn’t help, being drunk doesn’t help. I’ve battled this for years and the one constant has been people telling me it’s not that bad. Those same people have left me and written me off, abandoning me in cities I had no business being in.

Getting sober didn’t mean I let go of every bad egg that I recognised. The man in his 30’s that lied about his age and harassed me for several weeks on multiple platforms? gone. The kid in his 20’s who I naively befriended and got extremely too friendly? gone. The homeless man I helped because I had the spare income? Stays. The difference is recognising being used for your addiction and using your addiction to your own ends. I have said multiple times that I don’t want to live in a world that doesn’t give people the benefit of the doubt.

There’s so much pressure that comes alongside getting sober. I sometimes feel like I have no other choice but to not remain sober because it’s just easier than dealing with the realities. Being a lush for so many years creates this persona that you no longer recognise. I don’t know who I am anymore or who I was eleven years ago before this addiction took a hold.

People ask why, they always ask why. The honest answer? I don’t know. The fact that sometimes I wake up with this incapability to breathe and everything feels as though the air has been sucked out of the room and all I have to do is breathe is painful. I can’t explain it nor articulate that sometimes the only thing that allows me to breathe and block out the noise, is to take another sip. There’s a constant ringing in my ears that just wont go away.

Left Behind

I’ve not written here for quite some time. There’s been a myriad of reasons and none of them warrant a valid excuse. I had a friend visit this weekend, someone I consider to be a grounding force, someone that I met seven years ago and somehow, despite the many reasons I gave to not stick around, she has. It was a joyous occasion, she’s just gotten engaged and is living her best life. For this, I am truly, honestly happy. 

I have friends on their second child, building homes and families for themselves and it’s great to see and witness second hand. However, there comes a point, that can’t be helped, where you just feel left behind. From previous posts on here you can see that i seem to always take one step forward and seventy-two back. I am a different person to the one I was seven years ago, there’s no doubt about that. 

Get over it. It’s not that bad. They’re not worth it. It’s not worth the fight. All phrases that you’ve heard at one point or another I’m sure. It’s always easier said than done, there is no time limit on how to grow. There are people that will inevitably hold you down and keep the same patterns that you try so hard to make disappear. It’s a consistent fight that doesn’t stop at the stroke of midnight like most fairy tales.

Nobody talks about depression as the entity it is. It’s like a man that stands over you with a knife and yes there are moments that can allow this man access; but sometimes he can just come for you.

There is also the unavoidable situation that people may, in fact, get on with their own lives. Yes, it feels like every battle you fight is alone because your friends and family are busy just living and breathing and doing their own thing but that means nothing. I have come to learn that regardless of what has gone on, there is always someone to lend a friendly ear to listen to your bullshit. 

My friend said something that stuck with me and really put things into perspective, did I want to be a cautionary tale? no. Did I end up being that? yes. 

Let’s set the scene, my friend has travelled from the other side of the globe, my family is full of big personalities. They can party like no other, gin flying through the air mixed with vodka and beer. I was abstaining because that’s what my life is now, being sober whilst everyone is drunk or drinking. I offered her a drink and she said to me, quite plainly, “I saw what you went through and I stopped drinking after that”. That seems like a throughway comment for most, but for me, it hit me hard. In my worst drinking days I was bad enough to put people off touching the stuff all together. 

I’m not looking for sympathy by no means. The thing is, what people don’t tell you about getting ‘sober’ or ‘clean’ is that everyone around you suddenly feels the need to walk on eggshells. They ask when out in public, “Are you okay if I order a glass of wine?” and I always respond with yes, of course, you’re an adult do what you want. I may be broken but I’m not made of glass. 

Expectations

“Did your life just happen to you, or did you choose it? And if you can’t tell, does it matter?” – Westworld Season 3, Episode 6, Suzanne Wrubel and Lisa Joy.

Most of our self image is what people expect us to be. I mean, if people didn’t assume that I was one way inclined, then perhaps I wouldn’t act as such. However, that’s not to say that you can’t defy expectations because what does anyone else know?

I’ve been told that I’m an observer, a wind-up merchant and a general fuckup but if that’s what people expect then perhaps I should make the effort to be the opposite? I’ve been told that I put into words what others are unable and that to keep writing is the biggest gift I have to bestow on the world, all whilst being told that I’ll amount to nothing and that I’m a talentless hack that’s winging it. I no longer care who has the expectation of who I should be because the only persons expectations I should be concerned with are my own.

I have not considered the ramifications of giving anyone the time of day that doesn’t deserve it. Just because someone sees you one way, it doesn’t mean you have to be that way. Defy expectations, go out of your way to prove people wrong because at the end of the day the only expectations you have to live up to are your own.

“I’m sorry”  it’s a simple sentence. 7 letters, 2 words but what does it mean? For some an empty apology just rolls of the tongue and for others it’s as if the admittance of any wrong doing is nearly impossible. It’s not admissible or even a possibility. Seven single letters and two simple words that can change you’re entire perspective over night. How do we decide when to believe them? When do we decide that it’s enough to just hear those two little words?

When you’re in a crowded room and feel like a stranger, it doesn’t matter who’s sat round the table because if you don’t feel like you belong, the seat isn’t for you. Do you ever feel like if you were there or if you weren’t the conversation would continue? Or if you you weren’t there nothing would be added? You can take all the photographs out want to paint a picture of how you want people to see you but that doesn’t make it true. Sometimes, you’ll always be an outsider

Does that mean you should apologise for who you are? authentically and organically? 

Audition

“I also know that when you’re not in the best headspace, the trivial can turn into the insurmountable and all of a sudden you’re heading down a dark path and you can’t find your way back.” ― Val Emmich, Dear Evan Hansen

It’s been said that the whole world is a stage and that we all must play our parts. We have all been placed in our own roles, for example on a daily basis, I play the part of a brother, a drunk who can’t be trusted, a homosexual comedian and writer. I play the role of a son, a disappointment, an overachiever and an ambitious character. What if the roles we play are more in the background than we first thought? Perhaps we are just the understudies for someone else, waiting for our moment in the wings so that we can shine.

Are you waiting for your cue? Are you waiting for a job position to open up so you can play the role of career driven executive? Are you waiting for the right person to play the part of passionate lover or dedicated spouse? Maybe you’re even waiting for someone else to slip up so you can play the role of hero and villain. The truth is, we are still auditioning and I don’t think there will ever be a moment where we fully realise the role we are supposed to play. That’s why we audition, sometimes the role needs to find us.

As with all audition processes of course they can sometimes not go our way.

Get over it. It’s not that bad. They’re not worth it. It’s not worth the fight. All phrases that you’ve heard at one point or another I’m sure. It’s always easier said than done, there is no time limit on how to grow. There are people that will inevitably hold you down and keep the same patterns that you try so hard to make disappear. It’s a consistent fight that doesn’t stop at the stroke of midnight like most fairy tales.

There is also the unavoidable situation that people may, in fact, get on with their own lives, finding there roles easier with each passing day. Yes, it feels like every battle you fight is alone because your friends and family are busy just living and breathing and doing their own thing but that means nothing. Your scene partners have moved ahead or been replaced by a new face, a new understudy. Maybe people find you difficult to work with and the request someone else voluntarily but either way as another famous saying goes, the show must go on.

The whole world is a stage. With every new scene partner, every new audition, the show continues. Regardless of your personal experience the stage has been laid out and it’s not time for curtains just yet. We live in uncertain times but the one thing that is consistent is our ability to keep moving forward, keep fighting for the role we want (or not depending on what you decide). Every conversation is a mapped out monologue, every day is a new act and every time you step out of your comfort zone a new rehearsal begins. What’s your role going to be today? Who do you want to play? It’s show time.

Play It Out

“Is it that you don’t like people, or that you just grow tired of them and can’t for the life of you remember why you ever found them interesting?”
― André Aciman, Find Me

The phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be” is one that I have never been comfortable with. There are so many things in life that require a push, an extra bit of effort on your behalf in order to make them happen. Menial things like happiness or success don’t just happen by sitting and waiting. Over the past few weeks I have had to come to terms with the fact that anything worth having is worth fighting for because sitting and waiting just isn’t good enough. Of course it’s easier to just do nothing and hope that things play out the way you want them to, it’s easier to stand by and accept the cards you’ve been dealt by simply saying “It’s not worth the fight”. When does that become normal?

At what point in your life do you just accept that the person who you trusted and cared for no longer cares? When do you start just accepting the fact that you didn’t get the job, or that you got another rejection letter? When do you wake up and decide that the five square feet that you’ve been so graciously awarded to live in is enough? Moreover, will it ever be enough? Think about it, we wake up to an alarm every day, eat the same breakfast and work the same eight hour day, five days a week to earn money to repeat. When did we decide this was enough? To answer my own question, I don’t think I ever have.

I used to romanticise the kind of sleep that that made my eyes feel heavy and even a Disney film playing on TV just sends you drifting gently into a sleep so deep that a hurricane could be ignored. Where you suddenly just close your eyes and nothing has ever felt warmer. I didn’t do that anymore. I would just stare into space for hours until I began to hear music in the street that sounded like It was coming from a speaker deliberately. That became acceptable to me and to this day, it is. For a long time there has been a noise that just won’t stop.

There has to be a point where silence is more attractive than the noise. Sometimes when we catch ourselves in a true moment of silence, It can become unsettling. It’s not something we’re used to. To finally be in tune with every sense that surround us, like the sound of a strangers conversation in the street that we secretly weigh in on or the smell of someone else’s dinner as we pass by an open window. As you walk along the streets and notice an old receipt and subconsciously take note of what a stranger may have purchased from a pound stretcher, It all amounts to a sense of clarity that leads towards an Idea of self-care that we had never even thought of. Being alone. When we decide to take care of ourselves, some may say that it’s selfish or that it’s not real but that’s not accurate. Taking care of ourselves is a fundamental tool to life. Taking time out to be completely alone and give you the time of pure clarity is really the only self-help tool you need to learn, knowing when to give or when to give up. Sometimes we can find ourselves fighting to live a life or to be who we want ourselves to be without even really giving it a second thought. It’s possible to fight without knowing what we’re fighting for.

The truth is, there is no right or wrong answer. You can tell yourself you’re doing well and that you know who you are but there is always going to be that pressure to prove it, if not to everyone, just to yourself. The biggest fight we will always have is not with employers, family or lovers, it’s with ourselves. Trying to find that one thing that gives us the motivation to get out of bed every morning and eat the same breakfast and work the same eight hour day is tough and it’s everyday. After taking some time out for myself I have realised that there until you get to know how to fight your own corner, there doesn’t need to be anyone else.

The Silence

“Is it that you don’t like people, or that you just grow tired of them and can’t for the life of you remember why you ever found them interesting?” – Andre Aciman, Find Me

There has to be a point where silence is more attractive than the noise. Sometimes when we catch ourselves in a true moment of silence, when we decide to take care of ourselves, some may say that it’s selfish or that it’s not real but that’s not accurate. Taking care of yourself is a fundamental tool to life. Taking time out to be completely alone and give you the time of pure clarity is really the only self-help tool you need to learn, knowing when to give or when to give up. Sometimes we can find ourselves fighting to live a life or to be who we want ourselves to be without even really giving it a second thought.

Sometimes it takes more than that, sometimes it takes a personal inventory of what we have or what we need to be truly at peace with ourselves, I’ve mentioned on more than one occasion that your identifier is not who you are, not what you are as such. If all you have is your identifier then who are you? Are you a good person? Are you kind? Are you alive?  What do you bring to the table other than what you are? Are you anything other than your identifier? Do you qualify as a decent human? Have you learnt how to react in a situation of conflict?

Sure people can test those theories. They can make you question what it is you stand for and make someone who once believed they were strong and independent that they are the complete opposite. They can make the most hardened soul sensitive and vulnerable and they can make you ask yourself if everything you believed about yourself is true. It’s not necessarily a bad thing but it does take getting used to.

It’s easy to blame other people and say that they are the reason you reacted irrationally or that they caused you to lose your temper or become reckless and irresponsible. More often than not, people’s actions are just a catalyst that allows that part of us we keep locked away to come out. If you react in violent outbursts or argue by being personal and vindictive, the odds are you are a naturally violent and vindictive person. If your first response is to run from a conflict that might arise or on the other hand run towards it then you probably have a need to self-destruct in more than one way. I’ve met many different kinds of people from all walks of life, it would be easy to say that people were born the way they are or it’s because they were raised a different way but it’s hard to admit that maybe people just are the way they are. Sometimes there is no explanation.

There comes a point when the gun has been fired and once the shot has rung out it’s impossible to put the bullet back. Whether or not it hits the target, the trigger was pulled. It was pulled for a reason. It was pulled to wound or hurt someone and as that shot rings out louder than anything you’ve ever heard before, the silence settles. It’s in that moment that we find clarity again. We realise that it was for the best because if nothing else it let somebody show you their true colours. It’s not a loss it’s a lesson.

Poison

“He talked about the ocean between people. And how the whole point of everything is to find a shore worth swimming to.”
― Becky Albertalli, Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda

Nostalgia is a special kind of poison. Like alcohol, at first it tastes sweet and begins to make you feel warm inside and then eventually after you’ve indulged too much it can make you sick. It builds up from the pit of your stomach until it completely ruins you. Then the cycle continues. You make the same promise that you’ll never visit that place again, you’ll never drink again but deep down you know that’s a lie.

Thinking about what has happened as opposed to what could happen, is a specific kind of self-torture, like climbing a cliff and standing on the edge feeling the urge to jump. The intrusive nature of the past and our own minds is something that never really changes, we just become better at being able to compartmentalize them, put them into a locked box that you hide under your bed filled with old cinema tickets and photographs. You completely forget about the box until one day you check the date or watch an old film and stumble across the box only to have everything return to the way you felt when you had to put it away in the first place. It would be very easy to forget about the box, burn it, throw it away or do anything to forget. I’ve said before that people will do anything to work out while they feel bad but sometimes it’s as simple as opening a box.

If you’ve never seen ‘Love, actually” then first of all I hope the cave you live in is well insulated and secondly there’s a plot point throughout the course of the film where Alan Rickman and his wife, Emma Thompson are shopping for christmas gifts. She then catches him at an expensive jewelery counter buying a necklace and connects the dots. In the films final moments, she pushes to open a small, square box on christmas eve, the kind you would find a necklace in, only to find an old Joni Mitchell album. Further connecting the dots, we find out the necklace has been given to his promiscuous assistant and as Joni Mitchells ‘Both Sides Now’ plays we see her cry alone. Nostalgia is that jewelery sized box, we rush to unwrap it because we think it’s going to be something thoughtful and special and more often than not we find ourselves crying to a Joni Mitchell track. It sounds melodramatic but the sting of the idea that something could make us happy just by re-living it is so often and easily misunderstood.

Of course this experience is usually followed by a tub of ice-cream and a Bridget Jones marathon and the box gets returned. I’m not saying that the box should never be re-opened, that the alcohol should never be tasted again because much like these things, they pass. The sickness doesn’t last forever and the music does stop and eventually you’ll be able to feel warm and taste the sweetness again. Buy your own necklace, create your own box and create nostalgia that only ever makes you feel good again.

Shovel

In the grand history of the cosmos, more than thirteen thousand million years old, our Earth is replicated elsewhere. But maybe there is another way of seeing this world. If any small variation arises-they look this way, you look that way-suddenly maybe everything changes and now you begin to wonder, what else is different? Well, one might say that you have an exact mirror image that is suddenly shattered and there’s a new reality. And therein lies the opportunity and the mystery. What else? What new? What now?” Richard Berendzen

This sounds like a child attached to a conspiracy that might give him life but none of it is, as I mentioned previously how People Lose Things  and straight forward it could be, to regain that part of yourself that you find you’ve lost. The question asked often is, if you could speak to a younger version of yourself, would the you then be proud or disappointed? Knowing how much of a fool I am I’d probably idolize myself; see myself as the person i wanted to be rather than the actual person I present myself as. There’s a bittersweet irony about being this self-aware, to know that you’re truly unfulfilled. I’ve spoken often about being the change you want to see and how you should fall in love with the things that could destroy you just to be happy to live through it.

It’s not always as easy as that, sometimes you have to force yourself to get better, to be better. To be the person that allows themselves to be who you would’ve looked up to all those years ago. It’s so easy to try to blame genetics or ‘nature vs nurture’ but at the end of the day it’s all down to you. In the end, you dig yourself the hole you’re in and sometimes it’s ok to know that someone else should hand you the shovel. It’s also worth noting the people who are more prepared to bury you than help you out; the enablers and the bad influences. In medical terms, you would see these people as a necrotic foot, you have a choice, do you let the infection spread or do you cut the foot off? Can you live without the foot? is it essential to your survival?

The answer is no. You can live without those people who make things worse, you can live without the foot. Often, it’s a daunting task to even think about living without someone who once helped you get through certain times but the truth is that you have to. Self-care is just as important as caring for others and anyone who denies you that shouldn’t be given the time of day.  You need to remember that just because it hurts, it doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it. If it stings, it’s just temporary and the people you’ll have left behind are either going to support your decision or be bitter about it and quite frankly, it’s none of your concern. Be selfish but don’t take away from others, be self-aware but don’t be conceited or cocky, be thoughtful but not judgemental and be mindful of others feelings but don’t use them as a tool. Just be a good human, it really is that easy.

Balance

“It’s awfully easy to lie when you know that you’re trusted implicitly. So very easy, and so very degrading.” – Celia Johnson, Brief Encounter, 1945

Throughout history in many cultures across the world, in religions and myths, people have been consistently surrounded by the weight of ones soul or actions. In Ancient Egypt, some believed the final trial (and I’m watering this down) was to be presented with a balance that was used to weigh their heart against the feather of Maat. If the deceased’s heart balanced with the feather of Maat, Thoth would record the result and they would be presented to Osiris, who admitted them into the ‘heaven’. However, if their heart was heavier than the feather, it was to be devoured by the Goddess Ammit, essentially ‘sending them to Hell.’ In short, In Greek mythology Zeus hung his scales equally balanced with both sides of life and death, where the fates of Achilles and Memnon were in the balance held by Hermes. The Bible even has Archangel Michael in charge of the ‘last judgement’ in wich again, a soul is weighed. I could go on but you get the idea. For centuries we’ve been fixated on the idea of balance and keeping things in our favour.

There are so many aspects of our lives that are concerned with keeping things together or with some sort of positive reward when we’re finally forced on to those scales, does the bad weigh on us more than the good? What side are our choices adding to? Moreover are the people we surround ourselves with adding to the weight and once it’s on there can we take it off? I suppose that depends on your idea of fate or what’s right and wrong. Being off-balance can look different to everyone, to the people who truly know us it should be obvious, however If you’ve had the scales monitored for a long time it’s all too easy to forge the numbers. Either way, there’s always a possibility to tip the scales, one way or the other and that’s when I believe you can no longer take away from the bad. The scales will forever be off-balance.

Also for centuries humanity has come up with ways to shield ourselves from (or at least help us) from what we would coin overindulging ‘sins’ if you like. People go to church, they pray, some people go to support groups like weight watchers or AA and in many ways this makes us feel like the scales may actually be tipping in our favour. Maybe we can even take some of the weight off and restore some of the balance. When we’re off-balance it’s often easier to keep tipping, like leaning back in a chair at school. Two of the chair legs are in the air whilst the two on the back remain somewhat on the ground, at this point you’re suspended, perhaps even holding on to the edge of a table. As you continue to lean your fingertips move closer and closer towards the edge of the only thing keeping you steady. Then you lose your grip and in that moment your stomach flips upside down as you are sent straight to the ground, hitting it with such force it knocks the wind out of your lungs. Now that you’re on the ground with everyone around you staring, are the people around you going to pull you back up and replace your chair? Are they going to push themselves back and join you on the ground? Or are they going to encourage you to stay down? We would all like to think the immediate answer is option number one but If you think about it, you could probably only say that’s true for a small percentage of the people around you.

Along side balance, we’ve always believed that misery loves company, wich is why we will often find ourselves on the ground with other people, both off-balance and both adding weight that may, sooner or later, be irreversible. It’s never quite as black and white as that, at one point or another everybody is going to be in that chair, weighted down and everybody will be surrounded with people to make a choice. Some are loyal soldiers that’ll pick you up and take most of the weight, whilst this is appealing it’s not always the best choice at that time. Others are like roses that are full of colour and life yet covered in thorns that are just going to hurt and start to wilt, taking you down with them. And then sometimes, all It takes is a small glimpse of what balance looks like and someone to help you up to realise that the soldiers and the roses can co-exist in the same field in equal measure. However, the sad truth is, sometimes the roses need to be cut down because they are just too heavy. Sometimes, until you take inventory and realise what might actually be weighing you down, you’ll never regain balance.