Fix it

Fix it

Fix it

It seems like one way or another I’m always trying to fix things, the phrase “I’ll fix it” coupled with “I’ll figure it out” are two of my most used phrases. Common sense would dictate that you try not to break it in the first place and, in turn, you’ll have a plan already put in place. In order to fix something you need to know what went wrong and where you could’ve done something different but that’s not always the case.

I’ve always found a profound comfort in films and literature that justify a self destructive nature only to have it resolve itself, as if one day I myself may have an awakening and stop finding the need to say ‘I’ll fix it’. In the films someone will perform an act that is so self-destructive that it causes a complete overhaul of personality, it’ll cause people to reach within themselves and realise that there is a deeper and more meaningful explanation as to why they’ve done what they have. They will spend some time in an isolated place and either realise that they are the problem or that the person they wanted to be wasn’t necessarily the best person they could be; all in all leading to a morally uplifting resolution.

As I’m sure you know, life is not like a film and things will not just resolve themselves and the term “I’ll fix it” needs to be felt. The thing is, in order to fix some things you have to learn to let go because you can’t get hung up on where you’d rather be otherwise you can’t enjoy where you are. Take a break from worrying about things you can’t change. It’s ok to have butterflies in your stomach you just have to make them learn how to fly in formation.

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Symphony

Symphony

“We are not written for one instrument alone; I am not, neither are you.” – Andre Aciman.

Recently I have had an onslaught of people believe they know who I am or where I may be going; and the above seems more profound than ever. I’ve considered that maybe life is like listening to music, you fall in love to the sound of a guitar solo and realise suddenly that you were better off played on the piano, the symphony just works better that way. You can live your entire life believing that the right chords have been struck and that every note has been hit but the minute you hear it on something else, something you never thought of, it’s as if hearing it for the first time.

You may feel as though you can never hear it on the strings again and that you can only ever listen to one instrument for the rest of your life but it changes. When you finally hear that tone that makes you feel everything you should’ve from the start – it makes sense.

There’s a fire and a passion that with every touch feels like poetry. The stomach burns and the brain aches but the feeling is the same; wether that be plucked or played.

It’s like listening to your favourite song, your favourite piece, you’ve memorised all the riffs and key changes and somehow you’re still surprised when it ends. The rift comes from knowing that you’d rather hear that symphony on anything as opposed to nothing at all. The key change comes when you realise that you’re waiting for the right moment and that something that could come towards the end was worth waiting for.

Every body yearns for an experience of love that reads like poetry, it’s what all the songs are about. Coldplay or Adele would not have made their living if there wasn’t something inside all of us that wants the poetic, sweat inducing, fearful kind of love.

As I’m sure you know it’s more complicated than that. Finding someone who you want to spend time with, who you can’t wait to see again takes time. Finding out each others movements is like dancing to a song and figuring out the choreography as you go. It’s unpredictable.

Learning that it may not be as simple as going for the first person you see or that shows an interest in you and that In truth people shouldn’t care what you were listening to before, they have no interest in what the symphony sounded like previously, they just care that they’re written in to the one you listen to now.

Sometimes the music just stops. Everything stops and there’s just silence. As suddenly as it started it goes quiet and there are no more strings or keys and the song is finished. It lays dormant again waiting for someone to reach in and play the first note again.

Good Enough

Good Enough

It never occurred to me that people I know may read this. For years I’ve kept these secrets and posted them so willingly here but never once thought people I know should ever give them a second thought. However, upon reflection it makes sense that these people should be the most interested and invested and made me think of a poem I heard once, or at least a particular verse. The poem was spoken aloud on a the popular AMC drama ‘Mad Men’, the name of the episode escapes me but Jon Hamms voice carried over a particularly somber collection of scenes quoting Frank O’hara:

“Now I am quietly waiting for

the catastrophe of my personality

to seem beautiful again,

and interesting, and modern.” – Frank O’Hara

As the credits rolled I sat and thought of the exact weight of those words. There are people who find things beautiful within you and will nurture them and encourage the most destructive parts of you until it’s too much. Perhaps you have a sharp tongue and people applaud your honesty, maybe you’ll never say no to a night out and people will use this to their advantage and maybe you have a short temper and people will see this as a reason to keep you as a kind of friend-body guard. Amongst other personality traits (too numerous to list) that all seem great in the beginning, wear thin eventually. This then leaves you with no choice but to simply… wait.

What does it mean to be a good person? Is it the ability to do good things or notice when something’s wrong and step in? Is it knowing when the classic idea of the ‘right thing’ may not necessarily be the right thing to do for that situation?

Can you be defined as a good person if you don’t know right from wrong? The idea that there is such a thing as good and bad in people is that we have a sense of this. For example a shark isn’t considered evil because we perceive that it doesn’t have a moral compass, it eats and swims without feeling guilt for keeping itself alive. The bee stings out of instinct and doesn’t consider the fact that it’ll die after therefore suggesting it’s not making a conscious choice to do the right thing and not harm living things. I believe Morality stems from knowing what’s right and wrong and choosing thereafter however where is the line?

Can a good person still do bad things and vice versa? Giving to the homeless, charities, being kind and generous, eating healthy and exercising, maybe even going as far as being vegetarian. Listening to others and giving time to people around you, speaking in turn and being honest and doing everything you can to not hurt another person – all things universally considered good. Murder, violence, taking drugs or stealing. Lying, speeding, texting while driving and interrupting people. Stomping your feet and eating boiled eggs on a train, chewing with your mouth open, swearing and ignorance or being rude and loud in public – all things universally considered bad. Yes there is a sliding scale, but can someone do a bad thing in order to be good? Can you steal food to feed a homeless person? Can you lie to do everything you can to not hurt someone? Can you do all of this and be considered simply as good, or bad?

In terms of a self proclaimed bad deed, recognising it’s bad is half the battle. In my experience It no longer becomes about if you can be drunk enough, the question is can you be sober enough? Attempting to cancel out the bad with good to prevent more waiting. In order to stop from having to repeat the philosophy of Frank O’hara and have to wait for your catastrophic personality to be beautiful again can you be sober enough that all your jokes are still funny and your words aren’t slurred? Can you still be sober enough that you can still hold w conversation and be honest with everyone you meet?

Can you still be sober enough to get a days work done and go out with friends and not have anything question what you do?

Can you be honest enough?

Can you be honest with yourself to the point where you know that you’re lying?

Can you realise when you’ve done wrong and that your choices have led you down the wrong path and can you even make the right choices after that fact? Can you be good enough?

Seven days

Seven days

The first week of any change is the hardest, this is a regulated and well acknowledged fact. Seven days, seven days to be sober or seven days to acclimate to your new job. Seven days to be without someone, in death or mutually agreed parting; the first seven days is always the hardest.

One hundred and sixty eight hours will pass and they will feel like an eternity but that first week is always and undoubtedly the hardest. The first day passes by so quickly that the next six don’t feel like an issue, but as they progress you begin to realise that maybe, they’re more difficult than you first thought.

You have to train yourself not to think about the change that’s happened, your brain needs to be reminded that it’s a good thing that you’ve made the change. But Every time you think about it it’s like lighting a cigarette in a petrol station. You’re one flick away from

Going up in flames. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes that reason is to teach you a lesson. It’s there to educate how you hurt everyone around you, it’s there so you learn how to truly be alone and sometimes things happen to just teach you that you may not be a good person.

The past 7 days I’ve spent sober I’ve had an eclectic and eye opening few days. I’ve felt fear like nothing before, fear of losing my job or respect of those I work with. I’ve felt anger and embarrassment at myself for acting the way I have and I’ve felt alone in a way that no one can describe.

Seven days is all it takes to really reflect on decisions you’ve made. It takes seven days to really consider breaking a habit and wether you are alone or not; seven days is all it takes.

The House

The House

Have you ever been lost? At some point in your journey you took a wrong turn or were misdirected and now you have no idea where you are so you frantically look for signs or strangers that would be willing to send you the right way and get you to your destination. If you were lucky, you weren’t lost for very long and you got home safe eventually and the whole experience was just a funny story you told to everyone you met that day.

Have you ever felt lost even though you know exactly where you’re going? You’re walking along the street and you’ve mapped out every turn, all the best traffic lights to cross at because they change the second you press the button and you know all the best times of day to take each street depending on how many people you can deal with yet some how, you still have no idea where you’re going? It’s that same frantic panicked feeling deep in your chest accompanied by the numbness in your head. Being lost within yourself can sometimes feel worse however because there isn’t a right or wrong answer.

The saying goes that when God closes a door, he opens a window. However this house is on fire and the windows are locked and it’s located in the middle of a dark forest that’s going to burn down just as easily. I’ve said previously that nobodies watching you so you may as well just do what you want but that’s not entirely true. People do watch to an extent and their houses will burn down with yours if you let them.

However, nobody said God kept the door locked. Sometimes there is only one way, only one path forward and to do that you have to keep the door open. Nobody wants to crawl through the window like a kidnap victim or burglar of your own life, it’s simply not helpful.

I’ve found honesty is like opening a door you can’t lock up again. The most effective key. Once you’ve told the truth, once you’ve realised your own truth and opened that door to everyone around you it’s impossible to lock it back up. The truth may not necessarily always stay as the truth it can change as can secrets. For example hundreds of years ago it was true that the world was flat and before that it was true that extinction was a myth because God wouldn’t destroy his own creations. So with that in mind it may be true that I’m suffering with depression and other mental health issues. It’s true that I have a severe drinking problem. But that doesn’t mean it’ll always be true.

Owning up to when you’ve done wrong or simply allowing people to know the truth can keep that door open and let everyone around you help put out that fire. Own the house you live in.

Resolution

Resolution

It is a known fact that there are 365 days in a year, there’s no doubt that across the year we amass 52 weeks, 8760 hours, 525600 minutes and yes, I’ve seen Rent. On average we share 42,048,000 heartbeats, 8,409,600 breaths and 10,512,000 blinks of an eye. On average we drive 7,900 miles, we consume 1,996 pounds in food and spend and average of 23.5 hours on the toilet. But what about the moments in between the logistics? The statistics may speak for themselves but what do they say about you?

You can practically hear the year closing it’s doors and ushering in a new one, along side the multitude of gym memberships and diet plans that aren’t going to survive February.

So while I wait on the ‘new year new me’ posts of people who have no intention of changing anything they do; I would like to point out that when the clock strikes midnight you will be the same person you were 15 minutes before. That’s ok.

When the ball drops and you kiss the love of your life or a total stranger, wether you’re vomiting from the copious amount of shots you’ve drank or silently reflecting watching the fireworks from your bedroom window; that minute makes no difference.

365 days translates to 365 opportunities to learn and grow. 365 opportunities to realise that people lose things, that maybe you’re not going to know what you want to do with the rest of your life at 21 (or in some cases 45). It gives you the opportunity to realise that no matter where you may stand you can still hurt people and you can be hurt but knowing that you don’t have to.

At this time in the year it’s worth remembering that whilst change is a good thing and the people around you still love you because of who you are, there is no rush or pressure. There’s something about January first that forces the idea that changes need to happen and whilst in some case this is true, I propose a different idea.

Along with everything I’ve learnt this year, a new me is not what’s needed. The same me that existed before December 31st with a different attitude and a more positive outlook. The same me with better choices.

Square one

Square one

Square one

I’ve always been surrounded by people that knew where they wanted to go in life. At school I had friends that chose their qualifications based on their future careers. In love I joined people that were working towards their end goal of being the best they could in their field. These people, I admire.

It’s like playing a game of snakes and ladders; there’s one hundred squares on a board and everyone has the same goal. The one hundredth square is the goal. Every roll of the dice I throw I may get closer but I may also fall prey to a snake and fall right back to square one. Meanwhile everyone I know may be rolling the same dice and be edging close to that one hundredth square.

The difference is, they know what their square one hundred is. It may be that they want to be a lead in a west end show or they may want to be a high-end photographer. They may want to be a teacher of psychology or an architect but they know what the end goal looks like.

My point is, square one, in the same way square one hundred does, looks different for everyone. Gaining control for one moment, feeling like you’re winning can be the maker. Then all of a sudden you hit your snake. Back to square one.

Square one is a place many people don’t want to visit. For me, it was a place of nuance. Square one taught me not to sweat the small stuff; it taught me my family were more important than anyone. Square one taught me that I needed to grow up and to appreciate everything about living at Home that I took for granted.

Square one may be a place that, if you’re trying to win, sucks. But who are you trying to beat?