Play It Out

“Is it that you don’t like people, or that you just grow tired of them and can’t for the life of you remember why you ever found them interesting?”
― André Aciman, Find Me

The phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be” is one that I have never been comfortable with. There are so many things in life that require a push, an extra bit of effort on your behalf in order to make them happen. Menial things like happiness or success don’t just happen by sitting and waiting. Over the past few weeks I have had to come to terms with the fact that anything worth having is worth fighting for because sitting and waiting just isn’t good enough. Of course it’s easier to just do nothing and hope that things play out the way you want them to, it’s easier to stand by and accept the cards you’ve been dealt by simply saying “It’s not worth the fight”. When does that become normal?

At what point in your life do you just accept that the person who you trusted and cared for no longer cares? When do you start just accepting the fact that you didn’t get the job, or that you got another rejection letter? When do you wake up and decide that the five square feet that you’ve been so graciously awarded to live in is enough? Moreover, will it ever be enough? Think about it, we wake up to an alarm every day, eat the same breakfast and work the same eight hour day, five days a week to earn money to repeat. When did we decide this was enough? To answer my own question, I don’t think I ever have.

I used to romanticise the kind of sleep that that made my eyes feel heavy and even a Disney film playing on TV just sends you drifting gently into a sleep so deep that a hurricane could be ignored. Where you suddenly just close your eyes and nothing has ever felt warmer. I didn’t do that anymore. I would just stare into space for hours until I began to hear music in the street that sounded like It was coming from a speaker deliberately. That became acceptable to me and to this day, it is. For a long time there has been a noise that just won’t stop.

There has to be a point where silence is more attractive than the noise. Sometimes when we catch ourselves in a true moment of silence, It can become unsettling. It’s not something we’re used to. To finally be in tune with every sense that surround us, like the sound of a strangers conversation in the street that we secretly weigh in on or the smell of someone else’s dinner as we pass by an open window. As you walk along the streets and notice an old receipt and subconsciously take note of what a stranger may have purchased from a pound stretcher, It all amounts to a sense of clarity that leads towards an Idea of self-care that we had never even thought of. Being alone. When we decide to take care of ourselves, some may say that it’s selfish or that it’s not real but that’s not accurate. Taking care of ourselves is a fundamental tool to life. Taking time out to be completely alone and give you the time of pure clarity is really the only self-help tool you need to learn, knowing when to give or when to give up. Sometimes we can find ourselves fighting to live a life or to be who we want ourselves to be without even really giving it a second thought. It’s possible to fight without knowing what we’re fighting for.

The truth is, there is no right or wrong answer. You can tell yourself you’re doing well and that you know who you are but there is always going to be that pressure to prove it, if not to everyone, just to yourself. The biggest fight we will always have is not with employers, family or lovers, it’s with ourselves. Trying to find that one thing that gives us the motivation to get out of bed every morning and eat the same breakfast and work the same eight hour day is tough and it’s everyday. After taking some time out for myself I have realised that there until you get to know how to fight your own corner, there doesn’t need to be anyone else.

Happy New Year

“Everything in my life was merely prologue until now, merely delay, merely pastime, merely waste of time until I came to know you.”
― André Aciman, Find Me

“New Year New me” Is a phrase that’s so prevalent at this time of year that we forget what it actually means. In three days’ time when the gym memberships start to lose their effect and every shopping trips include more gluten than expected you begin to realise that there was no intention of creating a “new you”. You’ve waded through your Christmas presents and you’ve already decided who to cut off next year based on the idea that a costa coffee gift card is not a convenient or substantial Christmas gift.

I’ve said it before that a “new you” just isn’t practical. To make somebody brand new the idea is that the old you disappears completely and the old you is who brought you here today. Why don’t we try the same you with better choices? The same you that cries at every sad film and the same you that gives themselves fully to someone without expecting something back but never looks behind them. The same you that gives everyone the benefit of the doubt no matter their colour or creed. The next decade needs more people to give them the benefit. We can all talk about our resolutions and they read like catalogue of health and well-being brochures but the truth is, the only resolutions we need to make are ones that benefit ourselves.

When you get an infection in a limb and it becomes dead and necrotic the logical solution is to remove the limb. It’s better to live without an arm than it is to let it kill you. In this decade I plan to take the same approach with people. If they are killing me slowly, they will be cut off. People have always said that life isn’t a race but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s possible to feel like you’re losing.

You can see everyone running ahead and hear them hitting milestones that you haven’t even begin to see. So I’m making this promise to myself, and I invite you to do the same, this decade shall not be measured on the success of others but measured on the distance I have personally travelled. For example, going to a party and not getting blind drunk, going on a date and making it work or even with-holding from the negative comments that could potentially bring everything down. We are but one day in to the new year and If I continue to celebrate the small achievements eventually they’ll make themselves into big wins.

The Silence

“Is it that you don’t like people, or that you just grow tired of them and can’t for the life of you remember why you ever found them interesting?” – Andre Aciman, Find Me

There has to be a point where silence is more attractive than the noise. Sometimes when we catch ourselves in a true moment of silence, when we decide to take care of ourselves, some may say that it’s selfish or that it’s not real but that’s not accurate. Taking care of yourself is a fundamental tool to life. Taking time out to be completely alone and give you the time of pure clarity is really the only self-help tool you need to learn, knowing when to give or when to give up. Sometimes we can find ourselves fighting to live a life or to be who we want ourselves to be without even really giving it a second thought.

Sometimes it takes more than that, sometimes it takes a personal inventory of what we have or what we need to be truly at peace with ourselves, I’ve mentioned on more than one occasion that your identifier is not who you are, not what you are as such. If all you have is your identifier then who are you? Are you a good person? Are you kind? Are you alive?  What do you bring to the table other than what you are? Are you anything other than your identifier? Do you qualify as a decent human? Have you learnt how to react in a situation of conflict?

Sure people can test those theories. They can make you question what it is you stand for and make someone who once believed they were strong and independent that they are the complete opposite. They can make the most hardened soul sensitive and vulnerable and they can make you ask yourself if everything you believed about yourself is true. It’s not necessarily a bad thing but it does take getting used to.

It’s easy to blame other people and say that they are the reason you reacted irrationally or that they caused you to lose your temper or become reckless and irresponsible. More often than not, people’s actions are just a catalyst that allows that part of us we keep locked away to come out. If you react in violent outbursts or argue by being personal and vindictive, the odds are you are a naturally violent and vindictive person. If your first response is to run from a conflict that might arise or on the other hand run towards it then you probably have a need to self-destruct in more than one way. I’ve met many different kinds of people from all walks of life, it would be easy to say that people were born the way they are or it’s because they were raised a different way but it’s hard to admit that maybe people just are the way they are. Sometimes there is no explanation.

There comes a point when the gun has been fired and once the shot has rung out it’s impossible to put the bullet back. Whether or not it hits the target, the trigger was pulled. It was pulled for a reason. It was pulled to wound or hurt someone and as that shot rings out louder than anything you’ve ever heard before, the silence settles. It’s in that moment that we find clarity again. We realise that it was for the best because if nothing else it let somebody show you their true colours. It’s not a loss it’s a lesson.

The Real Gay Agenda: Love In Lockdown Online.

“If it’s going to be a world with no time for sentiment, it’s not a world that I want to live in.”
― Christopher Isherwood, A Single Man

The LGBT+ community is one that has faced many obstacles in its short public existence. For the past few decades it has grown in the media and we’re now seeing more and more representation in tv and film, celebrities are coming out every day and the world is changing to allow us to be married in multiple countries. Whilst the majority of us in the western world can now live an open and happy life, much of the community still lives in fear however being a member of this so-called ‘community’ for twenty-four years (seven openly) has taught me its biggest obstacle is itself.

The community has relied on discretion for so many years to the point where we’ve all been online and been met with the “must be discreet” epitaph. I call it an “epitaph” because that descriptor effectively describes the death of your gay dating life. 

To put things in perspective I’m going to use what I like to call the M&M analogy. Imagine you have a bag of peanut M&M’s and you’re allergic to peanuts. However, in this bag, all the red ones are safe to eat so naturally you wade through the bag picking out all the red ones. Now, this bag is shared with everyone else but some people are like you and can only have the red ones but some people can have the red or blue and some people can have any colour they want but sooner or later you’re going to clash with someone who wants the same red one as you. Not only will you clash, with the limited amount of red M&Ms you will probably grab one someone else has already had and put back. It’s unavoidable. That’s the gay community.

I met somebody a while ago that was “religious”. He was terrified of what his parents might think but that didn’t stop him from unauthentically showing off his genitals – news flash, there is nothing discreet about that. Nobody talks about the struggles that we face internally.  The reason for this seems to be that there is an ingrained idea that it should be more difficult to find another gay human that is willing to live through the relationship experience. 

You would have heard the term ‘gay agenda’ thrown around by straight rednecks who believe all we want to do is make other people gay or trans or whatever the target person may identify as and in all honesty there’s some truth in that. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the community wants the world to be like them in the way the world wanted (and still wants) them to be, but I am saying that all too often the LGBT+ are ready to attack each-other for being different. In a world where loving the people you do isn’t the norm it’s tough to finally come to terms with that. I’m not denying people’s struggles even though I’ve not personally had to go through it as I was lucky enough to be brought up in a family that didn’t care either way. With that in mind, everyone should then understand that everything is delayed.

Being a twelve or thirteen year old straight kid when you have your first ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ and then breaking up with them after two weeks and listening exclusively to Kelly Clarkson’s ‘since you’ve been gone’ or Avril Lavigne’s “complicated” on repeat isn’t something the LGBT community gets to experience authentically. As a result, the early 20’s is that time and furthermore people seem to be trapped in this endless cycle of immature insecurity. It’s a community that gets angry if you go on a date with someone that a friend was remotely involved with ten years ago, a community that allows itself to propose and be engaged to two different people within a year (and be with neither of them in the present) and it’s a community that begs for equality and acceptance by putting itself in a smaller box. It’s men that are in committed relationships for years only to get dumped and then find the love of their lives weeks later or fall in love with a ‘straight’ man and allow themselves to be used as the token. It’s a place where babies are born because one man decides he needs to be straight and it’s a place where a person can moan about their significant other and proclaim their hatred for them only to crawl right back into bed with them with not so much as two words shared. It’s a community that is divided between the left-wing liberals and the right-wing ‘not real’ members.

Side note: all of the above are real examples that I have seen and are in no way fictitious.

So with that in mind, online dating and hook-up apps were the inevitable refuge for the LGBT community and with the worlds current climate, I.E the world being in lockdown, now more than ever we have been reliant on swiping right. 

Online dating is only a microcosm of what can be considered ‘normal’ . Swipe left, swipe right, how does one know the true meaning of a real connection. Does physicality outweigh the level of intimacy or does it nullify the impact of a real connection. Are ten photos or dick pics worth more than a real connection?

There’s a sub culture of “if it’s not intense or dramatic then it’s not real” and that’s bullshit. There needs to be a balance and there needs to be an understanding that if two gay people meet by chance they don’t need to fall in love or get married or even sleep together, they don’t even need to try to date each other. I’ve learnt in my short stay that the real gay agenda, for all of us is to love and be loved back. I’ve also learnt that the attempts to get there are somewhat misguided and are not in any way equal. Speaking from personal experience, I’ve had men ask me out on a date and within two minutes are coining the phrase “show me your big…” and whilst I’m flattered at you’re description of my penis it’s not the way to go about seeing it. I’ve had guys offer to pick me up and say something along the lines of “you can come out to my car” as opposed to knocking on my door and picking me up like a respectable human being would. I’ve seen other members of the community be taken advantage of because of their need to feel loved by someone who legitimately is only giving them the time of day for attention. It’s a self-hating void that needs to learn to love itself before asking for what they think is love or any semblance of a normal relationship. 

Can you compare online dating to visiting an orgy? Yes. You are faced with an endless array of choices and all you have to do is pick someone. Is it something that requires a complete sense of self? yes. Is it something that allows you to hop from host to host like a sexual parasite? of course. The difference is the screen. Online dating has become some people’s only way of finding a genuine, non-threatening environment to make a human connection. It has allowed people a confidence that they wouldn’t have if they frequented their local bar, no longer are we divided by numbers, a ’10’ can unashamedly ask out a ‘4’ and vice versa. 

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Balance

“It’s awfully easy to lie when you know that you’re trusted implicitly. So very easy, and so very degrading.” – Celia Johnson, Brief Encounter, 1945

Throughout history in many cultures across the world, in religions and myths, people have been consistently surrounded by the weight of ones soul or actions. In Ancient Egypt, some believed the final trial (and I’m watering this down) was to be presented with a balance that was used to weigh their heart against the feather of Maat. If the deceased’s heart balanced with the feather of Maat, Thoth would record the result and they would be presented to Osiris, who admitted them into the ‘heaven’. However, if their heart was heavier than the feather, it was to be devoured by the Goddess Ammit, essentially ‘sending them to Hell.’ In short, In Greek mythology Zeus hung his scales equally balanced with both sides of life and death, where the fates of Achilles and Memnon were in the balance held by Hermes. The Bible even has Archangel Michael in charge of the ‘last judgement’ in wich again, a soul is weighed. I could go on but you get the idea. For centuries we’ve been fixated on the idea of balance and keeping things in our favour.

There are so many aspects of our lives that are concerned with keeping things together or with some sort of positive reward when we’re finally forced on to those scales, does the bad weigh on us more than the good? What side are our choices adding to? Moreover are the people we surround ourselves with adding to the weight and once it’s on there can we take it off? I suppose that depends on your idea of fate or what’s right and wrong. Being off-balance can look different to everyone, to the people who truly know us it should be obvious, however If you’ve had the scales monitored for a long time it’s all too easy to forge the numbers. Either way, there’s always a possibility to tip the scales, one way or the other and that’s when I believe you can no longer take away from the bad. The scales will forever be off-balance.

Also for centuries humanity has come up with ways to shield ourselves from (or at least help us) from what we would coin overindulging ‘sins’ if you like. People go to church, they pray, some people go to support groups like weight watchers or AA and in many ways this makes us feel like the scales may actually be tipping in our favour. Maybe we can even take some of the weight off and restore some of the balance. When we’re off-balance it’s often easier to keep tipping, like leaning back in a chair at school. Two of the chair legs are in the air whilst the two on the back remain somewhat on the ground, at this point you’re suspended, perhaps even holding on to the edge of a table. As you continue to lean your fingertips move closer and closer towards the edge of the only thing keeping you steady. Then you lose your grip and in that moment your stomach flips upside down as you are sent straight to the ground, hitting it with such force it knocks the wind out of your lungs. Now that you’re on the ground with everyone around you staring, are the people around you going to pull you back up and replace your chair? Are they going to push themselves back and join you on the ground? Or are they going to encourage you to stay down? We would all like to think the immediate answer is option number one but If you think about it, you could probably only say that’s true for a small percentage of the people around you.

Along side balance, we’ve always believed that misery loves company, wich is why we will often find ourselves on the ground with other people, both off-balance and both adding weight that may, sooner or later, be irreversible. It’s never quite as black and white as that, at one point or another everybody is going to be in that chair, weighted down and everybody will be surrounded with people to make a choice. Some are loyal soldiers that’ll pick you up and take most of the weight, whilst this is appealing it’s not always the best choice at that time. Others are like roses that are full of colour and life yet covered in thorns that are just going to hurt and start to wilt, taking you down with them. And then sometimes, all It takes is a small glimpse of what balance looks like and someone to help you up to realise that the soldiers and the roses can co-exist in the same field in equal measure. However, the sad truth is, sometimes the roses need to be cut down because they are just too heavy. Sometimes, until you take inventory and realise what might actually be weighing you down, you’ll never regain balance.

 

Lemons

“We would rather be ruined than changed
We would rather die in our dread
Than climb the cross of the moment
And let our illusions die.”
― W H Auden, The Age of Anxiety: A Baroque Eclogue

You’ve heard it all before. The story is no longer original – Silvia Plath, Hemingway, Isherwood, Oscar Wilde and William Boyd; all talented writers tormented by their own mind and persecuted for the simple fact that sometimes what they didn’t say was more than enough. Men and women who all shared a need to say what they thought, needed to be known the world over as a thinker, as a story-teller. Some were the cause of their own downfall and others almost celebrated that, by standards of the time, they weren’t a hero but they weren’t a villain either, they just were. Across the centuries they (and many others) have inspired and touched something within their readers and they would never truly know their influence. Luckily Gas ovens and shotguns aren’t so easy to come by. .. well for most of Europe anyway.

How many of us have falsely identified with a tortured soul, one that just keeps moving making all the wrong choices yet still managing to cling on to that last bit of humanity that is buried somewhere inside? I’ve written a lot about the connection to life and modes of transportation and also the means of being stuck on some kind of track but all the while I’ve only been writing about my view-point. With everyone, It is far easier to insert yourself into a situation and project what you feel as opposed to listening to how others feel, sometimes even to your actions. The idea of being a tortured artist has become and always has been a romanticized way of congratulating assholes for acting as such. When you boil it down, however, it’s hard to paint these people as heroes. Myself included.

Now I can hear you scream about the irony of this entire WordPress blog, one where i actively paint myself as a victim or some anti-hero that always tries to do the right thing but it’s not always simple. I like to think I’ve been honest as I can be, in as candid a way that I can be, to tell the story that happened and not what people, or even myself wanted to believe. So, I’ve devised a simple question; If you were to find yourself in Hell, would be surrounded by friends or enemies? Would it be family or strangers or would you simply be in a house of mirrors?

It’s very easy to blame other people, it is another thing entirely to admit that you didn’t know everything you thought you did, that you have absolutely no idea what’s good for you. Maybe you can’t tell the difference between right and wrong and maybe sometimes you just act because thinking would eat you up inside. That way you have the blame of ignorance if not another person. It’s ok though because ‘that’s life’ or ‘that’s just the way they are’ has become synonymous with the idea that someone is not nice or good in any way but you’ll excuse it because you’ve seen it all before and they’re never going to change so why bother? These sorts of people are those that accept the idea that when life gives you lemons you have to make lemonade, the truth is, fuck the lemons. Not every inconvenience can be turned in your favour, sometimes you have to make something entirely different to what is expected because the lemons you’re given will never be as good as the ones you grow for yourself.

Meanwhile, the lemons I’ve been handed will do and while some of you are thinking I’m wallowing in a lemonade of my own design, I know that I’m just waiting for something. A cloud that I can find a silver lining in just like everybody else.

Running

“I’m like a book you have to read. A book can’t read itself to you. It doesn’t even know what it’s about.” ― Christopher Isherwood, A Single Man

Everyone has lots of thoughts running through their mind, we all have thoughts running through our minds every minute we’re awake. From the moment we open our eyes in the morning and decide that we are now, we are here in the present, thoughts will collectively swarm the mind like a bee hive in the middle of summer. So it’s not
surprising that some of these thoughts are likely to be negative, particularly if we’re
having a tough time or we’re still upset about bad things that have gone on in the past. For some of us the noise becomes so loud that nothing is able to drown out the constant buzz of negativity and as people tend to do with bees and other insects, we run.

This is totally normal and it happens to us all. Our thoughts really affect how we feel especially when we’re thinking about ourselves, other people or our situation in very negative ways. Over thinking, not thinking enough, reacting to negative thoughts with even more negative actions, it’s all an endless cycle that the hive mind just can’t get out of. We think about the past and how we could have done things differently, how we could have reacted, how if we had just said one thing, one sentence differently we could be living completely different lives. We get stuck thinking about the future, what will happen? When will things change if they ever do? Am I ever going to feel comfortable within myself and will anybody ever find that within me that I fail to see and love it anyway? More often than not, the sadness, anger, frustration and anxiety wins, taking away from the here and now that you woke up to. The buzzing continues and so you continue to run. And if we dwell on our negative thoughts and turn them over and over in our mind, they affect us even more. It’s the same if we try to block them out or drive them away with whatever coping mechanisms we’ve picked up. Why? Because doing any of these things just keeps us focused on our thoughts. Like swatting a bee away, it’ll temporarily leave you alone but in the end you’re just going to piss it off and have it come back ten times angrier.

But we don’t have to listen to our negative thoughts. We may not be able to prevent those thoughts from coming into our mind, like an insect that flies around your room because you left the window open, but we can decide what we do about them when this happens. At the end of the day, you can’t live your life behind closed doors and windows need to be opened and bugs will always be there. Crucially, we can remind ourselves that our negative thoughts are just thoughts and that we don’t have to listen to them. And we certainly don’t have to act on them. The brain has an incredible talent for picking itself apart but sometimes it just takes a step back to realise that you are still in control of your actions and yes, it’s easy to say “It’s all in your head”, but this doesn’t help when you’re in there too.

I think the key is that it’s worth remembering that we don’t have to feel bad for no reason because alongside the negative thoughts and anxiety and sadness comes that unfathomable sense of guilt. Everybodies issues are big and important to them because they are their own. Your stubbed toe is my broken ankle and, well, you get the idea.
Whatever stage of our life we’re at, when we feel anxious, angry or low, it’s often because we’re looking at situations in ways that are not really accurate. We’re allowing that part of the brain to exaggerate the circumstances and we’re allowing the hive to swarm and continue to drown out any sense of reason. So we might think something is our fault when, in truth, we’re not to blame or we may believe there’s nothing we can do to change what happens to us when actually we can. You may feel totally alone when you’re in fact surrounded by people who love and care for you in endless ways. When we get into these negative ways of thinking, we can get upset when there might be no real reason for us to feel bad.

So the trick is to try to recognise when the buzzing begins to start, notice the sound in the distance before it becomes too loud to drown out and stop it before it becomes a problem. Otherwise you’re left to face them head on and depending on the types of thoughts; you may or may not be able to rationalise them. The easiest solution, is to recognise your own triggers, recognise what releases the hive mind to begin with and simply take a step back and look at how accurate your thoughts really are. And if you can, think in a calm, balanced way that’s based on the reality of each situation rather than how you’re feeling, that’s a strength that will never leave you. It’s easier said than done, I know, but it’s one of those ‘practice makes perfect’ kind of deals.

Turn Off the Lights

“You asshole, you love and that’s how you are in love. Any expert, observing

human bodies, can see how she’s exceptional, how she ruins us all” – You Love, You Wonder, By Brenda Shaughnessy

Leaving a relationship, for any reason, is never easy: this is a common fact. But in the end you realise some other common facts; that it was for a reason, that you’ll get over it eventually and that somewhere down the line a relative or friend has informed you you’re better off without them.

There is one thing that’s almost never thought of however; starting a new one.

As Valentine’s Day once again approaches, I am left to wonder why being alone is more and more acceptable today than it ever has been.

When starting a new relationship there are many questions one has to consider; what am I looking for? Who am I looking for? Do I want a one night stand or a pre-nup and a house in the suburbs? Whatever it is, the real question is am I ready?

When are you ever ready to really open up again to one person, in any way? Sometimes it’s almost as if you’ve been stood in a room full of cockroaches and you’ve just turned the lights on. All the bugs scatter and you’re stood in an empty kitchen all alone with a day old pizza. However, the minute you turn the lights off and stop looking all the cockroaches come crawling back out ready to fuck off the minute you decide to start looking again. How long do we intend to keep the lights off? When’s the appropriate amount time to wait before turning them back on? Or are we better off not looking and letting whatever is hiding in the dark just come and get us?

I believe that on some level we are all cockroaches; crawling in and out of each others lives perpetually wandering around in the dark bumping into each other by accident. It not only explains why we consistently crawl up to people who aren’t interested but also why the minute somebody turns their lights on and shows any interest most of us run and hide.

In the same sense maybe we’re all better off keeping the lights off. Maybe we should stop actively looking and let whomever and whatever stumble into our lives, stop trying and just enjoy every relationship we should perhaps make on the way.

To answer my original question: The truth is it doesn’t matter how long you wait or how you find it, you’ll never be ready. You’ll never be ready for the long nights or the first kisses and butterflies in your stomach. All we can do is hope that when we find it, it’ll last and it will be right.

Otherwise you can all switch off the lights, right?